Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
