he thought i was a dude.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
