she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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