Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
