WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
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We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
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We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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