So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
