I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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