those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I've blown a few things in my day
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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