I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
