fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
