We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
