I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
