I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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