Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
