I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
