Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
