please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
