where am i from again
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
