Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
