My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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