the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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