There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This is my gift to your gina
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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