when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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