just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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