I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
