God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
