You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
