just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
