I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I forgot how hot balto sounded
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
