The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.