You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
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Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.