I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.