I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
