i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers