Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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