He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
