never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
