No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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