Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
