dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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