im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
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I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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