so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
