I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
