Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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