You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
