I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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