My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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