Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.