My room smells like vodka and shame
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.