I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.