This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
