I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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