You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
