I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
