So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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