that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
