so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
