Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
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She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
where are my eyebrows?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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