planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
