i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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