The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
