Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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