ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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