sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
